"That was a tough primary you had there, John. Anyway. Anyway, that's who I
really am. But in the spirit of full disclosure, there are a few October
surprises you'll be finding out about in the coming weeks. First of all, my
middle name is not what you think. It's actually Steve. That's right. Barack
Steve Obama."

"Here's another revelation, John McCain is on to something. There was a point
in my life when I started palling around with a pretty ugly crowd. I've got to
be honest, these guys were serious dead beats. They were low lifes,
unrepentant, no-good punks.
That's right. I've been a member of the United States Senate.
Come to think of it, John, I swear I saw you at one of our meetings."

But at least we've moved past the days when the main criticism coming from the
McCain campaign was that I'm some celebrity. I have to admit that really hurt.
I got so angry about it I punched the paparazzi in the face on my way out of
Spago's.
I'm serious. I even spilled my Soy Chai Latte all over my shih tzu. It was
really embarrassing.

Recently, one of John's top advisers told the "Daily News" that if we keep
talking about the economy, McCain's going to lose. So, tonight I'd like to talk
about the economy.