"Today McCain went on the attack. This morning he said Barack Obama will say and
do anything to win the election. Obama countered that later in the day by
showing this photograph [on screen: photo of Sarah Palin]. 'Really? I'm the one
who will say and do anything to win? Explain that again more slowly if you
could.'"
"As popular as Obama is here in the United States, he might be in even more
popular overseas. Gallup polled citizens of 70 countries and found that
foreigners support Obama over McCain by nearly four-to-one. It was an unusual
poll, actually: 30 percent supported Obama, eight percent supported McCain, and
the rest supported David Hasselhoff."
"This is an interesting. Scholastic, the company [that] used to sell books when
we were in school. They polled 250,000 American school kids and that they asked
who they liked for president. Overwhelmingly, they picked Barack Obama over
John McCain. And not only did McCain finish behind Obama, he also finished well
behind Batman, the Wiggles and Dora the Explorer. So, you know, a poll like this
may seem to be trivial, but believe it or not, this is true, it has correctly
predicted who is the president will be every election year since 1960."
"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton campaigned for the first time together in
Unity, New Hampshire, today. Isn't that cute? Unity, New Hampshire. For real.
Their tour goes from Unity to Tolerate, Rhode Island; and Getting on My Nerves,
Virginia; and then Crazy Makeup Sex, California."
"I don't like this silent picking thing. I think Obama should pick his vice
president the old-fashioned way: put 16 candidates in a mansion, make out with
them in a hot tub and eliminate them one-by-one."
"It was kind of surprising; they really love Obama in Germany. He's like a rock
star over there. It's impressive until you realize that David Hasselhoff is also
like a rock star over there."
"Yesterday, Obama was in Israel. And, in what some are calling a misguided
attempt to appeal to Jewish voters, he was ceremoniously circumcised in Tel
Aviv. It's not really true, though. It's a joke. It's not a good joke, but it's
a joke."
"It's been a great week for Obama. To say he say won the photo-op battle this
week is like saying Batman did okay at the box office. Let's just recap. Here's
Obama this week hitting a long jump shot in front of troops in Afghanistan. And
here's John McCain. He's being interrupted by the supermarket cashier in the
prepackaged meat aisle at a grocery store. Things are so bad for John McCain --
I know this is going to seem like a joke -- but I did a Google news search for
John McCain and here's what came up: nothing. That's real. I mean, it must have
been a malfunction. Fortunately, he doesn't know how to get on the internet, so
it probably won't bother him."
