"Today in Chicago, for the first time since the election, John McCain sat down
with President-elect Barack Obama. Pretty impressive. Obama agreed to sit down
and talk to McCain without any preconditions. When Sarah Palin heard about
McCain meeting with Obama, she accused McCain of palling around with
terrorists."
"Barack Obama's mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him.
See, Joe Biden was right. 'Hostile forces will test him in the first few
months.'"
"President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The
search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog
than John McCain did selecting a running mate?"
"President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this
week. You know, look, I don't want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama's
new slogan? 'Maybe We Can.'""It was on this in day in 1789 that Benjamin
Franklin said those famous words, 'In this world, nothing can be said to be
certain, except death and taxes. Death and taxes, which ironically, was the
Secret Service code name for John McCain and Barack Obama."
"And according to CNN, Barack Obama's mother-in-law might be moving into the
White House with them. Although, he may be able to get out of it under the
domestic terrorist law."
"President Bush briefed Barack Obama on the state of the nation this week. I
don't know that things look bad, but after the briefing, Obama called McCain
and said, 'You still want the job?'"
"This was actually in the paper today, that both parties are already preparing
for 2012. Isn't that unbelievable? But I was thinking, it's going to be tough
for Barack Obama to come up with a campaign slogan for 2012. I mean, what's it
gonna be? 'Don't change, everything's fine, don't change anything, keep it
exactly the same!'"
"In the latest issue of Sports Illustrated, Barack Obama says if he is
fortunate to win the White House, he would like to install a basketball court.
That's what he said. It's going to be built right on top of what is now the
bowling alley."
"Actually, Barack Obama's wasting no time. He has chosen Illinois Congressman
Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff. Rahm Emanuel. Apparently Barack's first
order of business, no guys with regular names. Okay, that's it! No Larrys, no
Bobs! Just Barack and Rahm."
"And, of course, it was a huge celebration over at Barack Obama headquarters,
otherwise known as MSNBC."
"Barack Obama gave a big speech on race, and there was one heckler in the
audience, kept screaming crazy stuff the whole time. Turns out it was his
pastor."
"And people were worried about the Bradley effect. Apparently, it was not
nearly as strong as the Bush effect."
"See, I got to admit, as a comedian, I'm gonna miss President Bush. Because
Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about. He doesn't give you a lot to go on.
See, this is why God gave us Joe Biden."
"According to recent news reports, Bill Clinton has now become an adviser to
Barack Obama. Bill Clinton is giving advice to Barack Obama. Do you know who is
really upset about this? Michelle Obama."
"The show was very well done. I got to admit, I especially liked the end, where
Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud. Wasn't that unbelievable?"
"Earlier this evening, Barack Obama's 30-minute infomercial appeared on three
of the major networks. ... Now, if you didn't see it, one part was a little
odd. At the end, Barack said, 'If you vote now, we'll throw in a set of steak
knives and a can of Oxiclean.'"
"After his big speech in North Carolina today, Senator Joe Biden said he was
experiencing a sore throat and lost his voice. Boy, the good news doesn't stop
for Barack Obama. Just one lucky break after another."
"Political pundits say Colin Powell is the biggest political figure to endorse
Barack Obama since Bill and Hillary. And the only one of those three that will
actually vote for him."
"At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by a protest group calling
themselves 'Blacks Against Obama.' Actually, a pretty small group. It's just
Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson."
"Barack Obama continues to criticize John McCain's economic plan. McCain would
like to criticize Obama's plan, but nobody knows what it is yet. So we're still
waiting."
"The presidential debate was a town hall format, which is John McCain's
favorite way to speak to crowds, as opposed to Barack Obama's favorite way, a
Sermon on the Mount."
"Barack Obama said today the government's $700 billion bailout should not be a
blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In
fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that
kind of money."
"Earlier this evening, Barack Obama was in Hollywood at a big fundraiser, a
sold-out fundraiser featuring Barbra Streisand singing. $28,500 a ticket.
Barbra Streisand was singing. All the big Hollywood stars were there. It
featured dinner prepared by the finest Hollywood chefs serving an array of
gourmet food. I believe the topic tonight was how John McCain is out of touch
with the common people."
"Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently,
when he promised change, he was talking about his mind."
"According to the New York Times, Barack Obama's campaign is having a hard time
meeting their fundraising goals. And they're pressing their donors for more
money. They want more money. In fact, Obama said today, he's willing to take
change. He will now accept change."
"Barack Obama's two daughters are very excited, because I guess Barack Obama
promised the kids that after the election he's going to get them a dog. That's
the thing, they're all excited, he's going to get them a dog after the
election. And the good news -- Jesse Jackson has offered to neuter it, so I
think that's terrific."
"The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical
difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety
Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts
on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts
off."
"I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put
this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And
Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining
what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that?"
"Insiders claim that even though Jesse Jackson supports Barack Obama publicly
for president, privately he doesn't like him. You know, it's kind of like Bill
with Hillary."
"Today Jesse tried to reach out to Obama, and Obama said, 'Keep your hands
where I can see them!'"
"Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black
people by lecturing on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband.
Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and
their lovechild."
"What a week this has been. If you watched last night, I guess you know, Barack
Obama got beat up by a girl." on Sarah Palin's convention speech
"Today in Berlin, Barack Obama spoke to a crowd of over 200,000 people. In
fact, he was so eager to please the Germans, he promised he'd name David
Hasselhoff as vice president."
Hey, did you see Barack Obama on the news? He took time out to take his kids
trick-or-treating, that was nice. But he'll only let them take candy from
households making over $200,000 a year.
"Here's the amazing part, this is true, it was the highest-rated show on NBC
last night. NBC's already talking to Barack about picking it up for 13 more
episodes."
"This is exciting. Earlier this evening, Barack Obama's 30-minute infomercial
appeared on three of the major networks. Fox, CBS and NBC. And, of course, NBC
was thrilled to be considered a major network. We haven't had that in years!"
"Now, if you didn't see it, one part was a little odd. At the end, Barack said,
'If you vote now, we'll throw in a set of steak knives and a can of Oxiclean.'"
"And of course, this Barack Obama appearance was historic for our network. Did
you know this? This is the first time a black man has appeared on NBC in prime
time since Bill Cosby."
"Barack Obama continues to lead in the polls. Barack said, today, if it wasn't
for Fox News, he might be up two or three more points in the polls. So
apparently, five of the six news channel openly rooting for him isn't enough.
You gotta get that last one."
"Barack Obama also says that both men and women should have to register for the
draft. What do you think of that? The first woman he wants signed up? Sarah
Palin."
"Barack Obama has bought a half-hour of airtime on CBS. He's now negotiating
with NBC, but they have some disagreement. See, Barack just wants to buy a
half-hour, but NBC wants him to buy the entire prime-time schedule for the
entire rest of the year."
"Barack Obama said today the government's $700 billion bailout should not be a
blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In
fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that
kind of money."
"And the first presidential debate will take place this Friday night. They say
John McCain's challenge will be to distance himself from President Bush. And
Barack Obama's challenge will be to answer questions before his supporters can
start clapping. So it's going to be very tricky."
"At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by a protest group calling
themselves 'Blacks Against Obama.' Actually, a pretty small group. It's just
Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson."
"And at a rally in Florida today, Barack Obama was interrupted by protesters
called Blacks Against Obama. They all drove there together in the same car, a
Mini Cooper, if I'm not mistaken."
"Barack Obama continues to criticize John McCain's economic plan. McCain would
like to criticize Obama's plan, but nobody knows what it is yet. So we're still
waiting."
"Barack Obama said today, again, he wants to raise taxes on the rich. That's
provided if, by November, anyone is still rich."
"I had a great dinner last night. Put on a Barbra Streisand CD, ordered
Domino's, saved $28,488. Last night, Barack Obama hosted a dinner with Barbra
Streisand singing. It was $28,500 a plate. $28,500 a plate! But, to be fair,
that did include an all-you-can-eat salad buffet. That was included. I guess
the food was pretty exotic. The main course was roasted pig in a lipstick
glaze."
"And another day, another federal bailout. This is unbelievable to me. The
Federal Reserve has just loaned the AIG Insurance Company $85 billion to keep
it afloat. $85 billion. That is almost as much money as Barack Obama raised
last night in Beverly Hills."
"Earlier this evening, Barack Obama was in Hollywood at a big fundraiser, a
sold-out fundraiser featuring Barbra Streisand singing. $28,500 a ticket.
Barbra Streisand was singing. All the big Hollywood stars were there. It
featured dinner prepared by the finest Hollywood chefs serving an array of
gourmet food. I believe the topic tonight was how John McCain is out of touch
with the common people."
"Well, I guess it's getting serious, because Barack Obama's going to have lunch
with Bill Clinton this week to discuss Democratic strategy. They're going to get
together and talk. You know, they haven't been that friendly up to this point.
Of course, it's tough agreeing on a restaurant, because the two men are both so
different. Finally, they settled on a 'Hooters' that serves arugula."
"According to the New York Times, Barack Obama's campaign is having a hard time
meeting their fundraising goals. And they're pressing their donors for more
money. They want more money. In fact, Obama said today, he's willing to take
change. He will now accept change."
"Boy George has released a new song that is inspired by Barack Obama. It's
called 'Yes We Can,' by Boy George. If that doesn't put Obama over the top with
the Joe Six-pack crowd, nothing will, huh?"
"What a week this has been. If you watched last night, I guess you know, Barack
Obama got beat up by a girl."
"Did you see that Mount Olympus-style backdrop they had for Barack’s speech,
with the big columns on it? Little over the top, do you think, huh? Like, when
they introduced him as 'Barack, son of Zeus,' that seemed over the top."
"And Barack Obama will give his big speech tomorrow night at Invesco Field, a
football stadium, which is appropriate, considering how many times Democrats
have fumbled in the past few years."
"In fact, while Michelle Obama gave her historic speech, Barack Obama watched
the whole thing from a family's living room in Missouri. He was in Missouri. I
mean, I know it's tough getting a hotel room in Denver right now, but come
on."
"You know, they said on the news earlier tonight that this political campaign
has only 100 days left. Only! Anybody complaining that this thing was dragging
out? Oh, not quick enough?Only 100 days left. Oh, God! 100 Days. I don't know
what's less likely, Barack Obama getting enough experience in 100 days, or John
McCain living another 100 days."
"Today in Berlin, Barack Obama spoke to a crowd of over 200,000 people. In
fact, he was so eager to please the Germans, he promised he'd name David
Hasselhoff as vice president."
"Barack Obama's two daughters are very excited, because I guess Barack Obama
promised the kids that after the election he's going to get them a dog. That's
the thing, they're all excited, he's going to get them a dog after the
election. And the good news: Jesse Jackson has offered to neuter it, so I think
that's terrific."
"The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical
difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety
Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts
on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts
off."
"Barack Obama is back from his big European tour. Did you see him in Europe?
People were cheering him, holding up signs, blowing him kisses. And that was
just the American media covering the story."
"I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put
this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And
Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining
what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that?"
"Insiders claim that even though Jesse Jackson supports Barack Obama publicly
for president, privately he doesn't like him. You know, it's kind of like Bill
with Hillary."
"Today Jesse tried to reach out to Obama, and Obama said, 'Keep your hands
where I can see them!'"
"Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black
people by lecturing on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband.
Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and
their lovechild."
"Barack Obama is now denying that he is email pals with the beautiful actress,
Scarlett Johansson. Remember that story? They were saying that Scarlett
Johansson and Barack Obama were emailing each other. He says no, it's not true.
In fact his exact words were 'I did not have textual relations with that
woman.'"
"Well, the Democrats are now preparing for their convention in Denver, and they
have hired the first ever Director of Greening. They say that this year that
everything about their convention will be green, including nominating a
candidate who's only been a senator for a couple of years."
"Hey, have you heard this story that Barack Obama and Scarlett Johansson are
apparently e-mail buddies? Scarlett Johansson is quoted as saying, "My heart
belongs to Barack Obama." How about that, huh? Barack's not even president yet,
still doing waaay better than Bill Clinton ever did."
"It was quite a weekend, politically. Yesterday, an estimated 75,000 people
attended a Barack Obama rally on the banks of the the Willamette River. And if
you believe the media, listen to this. After the rally, Barack Obama fed them
all with just five loaves of bread and two fish. Amazing!"
"Barack Obama is suffering from a bad headache today. His former pastor,
Reverend Wright, is back out there. Reverend Wright gave an interview earlier
tonight on PBS with Bill Moyers, and he said he's gotten over a million emails
and phone calls telling him to keep on speaking out, and every one of them came
from Hillary Clinton. It was amazing."
"The State Department announced today the most dangerous place in the world is
no longer the Mideast, it is now between Reverend Jeremiah Wright and a
microphone."
"Barack's former pastor, Jeremiah Wright, the guy is everywhere. He's making
speeches. He's on the radio. And Reverend Wright says he'd rather just go home
and retire, but the money Hillary is paying him is so good."
"Of course, the Republicans will not let this Reverend Wright controversy die.
You know, they're trying to keep it in the news. Like, today they said for the
wedding of President Bush's daughter, he's gonna be the minister."
"Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in
intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he's leaving."
"It's getting ugly out there on the campaign trail. The John McCain campaign
has accused Barack Obama of playing the race card, and the Obama campaign has
accused McCain of playing the pinochle card, so I don't know what's going to
happen here."
"Well listen, Barack Obama accused Republicans of trying to make others fear
him, because, and I quote, he "doesn't look like the other presidents on the
dollar bill." So the choice is, do you want to elect a guy who doesn't look
like the president on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect a guy who looks
older than the president on the dollar bill?"
"Well, you know what's interesting, it's been mentioned that Barack Obama may
still pick a woman for VP, but not Hillary Clinton. Yeah. Well today, a top
Hillary Clinton supporter named Lanny Davis said it was "inconceivable" that
Obama would pick another woman over Hillary, to which Bill said, 'it's not that
inconceivable.'"
"Yeah that's the big talk, they say Barack Obama could decide to go with
another woman. See that's what killed John Edwards' chances of being VP, he
decided to go with another woman."
"And Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw the other day on Meet the Press that what
he's looking for in a VP is a person who will tell him when they thought he was
wrong, to which President Bush said, 'Trust me, that gets old really fast.'"
"And I guess the McCain campaign has a new theme song, it's by Ludacris. Did
you hear this? Well, I guess the new song by rapper Ludacris is causing some
controversy for Barack Obama, everybody's trying to help and it doesn't help,
because it attacks Hillary and Bush and John McCain in a very distasteful way.
Yeah. In fact when John McCain heard that Obama had Ludacris on his iPod, he
was stunned, he said 'What's an iPod?'"
"And as you know, the McCain campaign is running that commercial where they're
comparing Barack Obama to various Hollywood celebrities. And as you know, if
there's one thing the Republicans will not stand for, it's electing some
Hollywood celebrity to public office. Except for Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson,
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood -- you know, except for those."
"Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to
Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad
comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur."
"McCain is not backing down. He's defending the commercial, where he compared
Barack Obama to Paris Hilton, as being "all talk and little action." That's
what he said. Like Paris, Barack Obama is all talk and little action. Really?
Has he seen her sex video? There is no talk. It is all action."
"Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw, the other day, what he's looking for in a vice
president is someone who would tell him when he’s wrong. Wouldn't Hillary be
the best candidate? She's been telling him he's been dead wrong since the
beginning on this."
"The latest politic gossip is that Hillary Clinton is not particularly high on
Barack Obama's vice presidential list. In fact, turns out she's somewhere
between the Reverend Wright and Jesse Jackson."
"Well, actually, insiders say Hillary was never on Obama's VP list. Obama felt
it would have been too much to put her on the ticket. Bad enough to worry about
Jesse cutting them off, didn't want to worry about Hillary breaking them, too.
You know what I'm saying?"
"Do you know what Barack Obama’s middle name is? Hussein. Could’ve been worse.
Could’ve been Kerry."
"Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and
influence … and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser."
