"Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So
far, he's got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they
are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law
and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me."
"Everybody is kind of making up and getting back together. Senator McCain and
President-elect Barack Obama met, got together and had a nice visit. And Barack
Obama thanked McCain for choosing that nutty Alaskan chick. And then Barack
Obama said to McCain, Hey, I'm catching up with you. I just got a second
home."
"There was a little confusion at the meeting there at the White House when
President Bush was told that Obama was coming. He said 'Oh, you mean we caught
him?'"
"I've got to admit, as a comedian, I'm going to miss President Bush because
Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about, he doesn't give you a lot to go
on," he told his audience the day after the November 4 election. "See
this is why God gave us (Vice President-elect) Joe Biden."
"Barack Obama says he’ll be living in the White House with his family, his two
daughters and his wife, and his mother-in-law. Yeah, he may want to rethink
closing Guantanamo, you know what I mean?"
"Barack Obama was thrilled, I mean, thrilled, because even as a United States
senator, he had never really been to the White House, so he was thrilled to be
there. He thought, for a minute, he was getting a 21-gun salute. Whoa! It
turned out it was just Cheney fooling around."
"I thought this was kind of cute. Senator Barack Obama, President-elect Barack
Obama and his wife went on their first date since the election. They actually
went on a date, they went out and had dinner. And it is weird, though, when you
think about it, don't you, to have a Democrat in the White House who actually
dates his own wife?"
"But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the
pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a
stray dog into the White House got impeached."
"Ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama is our new president. And I think I speak
for most Americans when I say, anybody mind if he starts a little early?"
"And how about last night, when Barack Obama had his half hour infomercial TV
special. I mean, thank God! It’s about time this guy got some media coverage,
don’t you think?"
"But I thought it was one of those heartwarming infomercials. It had a
wonderful ending. In the final scene Barack Obama is adopted by Angelina
Jolie."
"How about that Senator Barack Obama? You know what he's doing? He's going door
to door, knocking on doors, and it's fascinating. It's kind of like a
throw-back. I don't know if he changed any votes, but today he came home with a
big bag full of Halloween candy. How about that? But it was a little
embarrassing when he rang a doorbell at two of McCain's houses."
"A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased 'cause they sent
out absentee ballots that say 'Barack Osama.' Today they apologized and printed
new ballots that say 'Barack Hussein Osama.'"
"All of New Yorkers have Obama fever. Everybody's very excited about him being
in New York City. New York City cab drivers, by the way, are offering their
Barack Obama special: they'll gladly accept change."
"And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first
time he's starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in
the polls. Don't worry. He's got a plan. He's going to be to campaigning in
Europe."
"And then tonight, Barack Obama speaks to the convention, and they moved it to
the stadium there in Denver. They’re getting, like, 75,000 people. And I’m
telling you, the construction crew has been working around the clock, painting
the stadium, scrubbing the stadium, plastering. It's the same team that works
on Nancy Pelosi."
"You know. People really like Barack Obama because he's an inspirational
speaker. But he was not the first one.I was checking my presidential history.
he was not the first candidate to use the phrase "Yes we can!" Bill Clinton
frequently used that on interns."
"A new campaign ad from John McCain unfavorably compares Barack Obama and
Britney Spears. Reporters tried to contact McCain to get a response to this
criticism, but they couldn’t get a hold of him. He was busy having his dinner
on a TV tray watchingJeopardy."
"You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in
Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is
actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States."
"While Barack Obama was campaigning in Germany, he spoke to a half million
people in Germany, a half million people. And while he was doing that, John
McCain, he wasn't laying around, no, no, John McCain was out driving in his
driveway and he backed over the mailbox."
"But there was one little episode while Barack Obama was overseas. He was in
Jerusalem, and he was heckled. And he's not used to being heckled, because
everybody likes the guy wherever he goes so nobody heckles him. And this woman
was just furious and nasty and heckling him, and finally he said, 'All right,
Hillary, knock it off!'"
"Barack Obama is behaving very presidentially now. He's in the Middle East, and
he met today with the leaders of Israel and Jordan. And not to be outdone,
earlier today, John McCain was in the park playing checkers with Ed Koch."
