"Oprah Winfrey just announced that she's planning to attend Barack Obama's
inauguration. Oprah says she's very excited to see Obama become the second-most
powerful person in the world."
"Barack and Michelle Obama are looking for a church in Washington to attend.
Apparently, the Obamas ask every prospective pastor the same question: 'Have
you ever been videotaped screaming 'God damn America!'?"
"The Secret Service recently gave Barack Obama's wife and daughters code names.
These are the code names: Renaissance, Rosebud and Radiance. Apparently, the
agent who created the names has a secret dream to get into the perfume
business."
"Now that Barack Obama has been elected president, producers in Hollywood say
they think America is now ready for a black James Bond and a black Wonder
Woman. Isn't that cool? Yeah, hell, America may even be ready for a black
Michael Jackson."
"It was reported today that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the
White House with them. Yeah, this is expected to be the first time Barack uses
his veto power."
"One of the Obama girls is allergic to dogs, so someone has offered the Obamas
a puppy that is completely hairless. Yeah. In fact, the children have already
given the puppy the name James Carville."
"Oprah Winfrey has said she will not accept the role of an ambassador to a
foreign country if it were offered to her by Barack Obama. She wouldn't accept.
On the other hand, Obama did announce that his new surgeon general is Dr. Phil.
"Today, at his first press conference as President-elect, Barack Obama said
America will succeed if we can put aside partisanship and politics. Nice. Yeah,
in other words, we're totally screwed."
"After this week's election, this is true, thousands of mothers in Kenya are
expected to name their babies Barack Obama. Isn't that cool? Yeah. And then,
they'll all be adopted by Angelina Jolie. She's going to have 600,000 kids
named Barack Obama."
"Last night, after Barack Obama was declared the winner, President Bush called
Obama, promised to work with him to guarantee a smooth transition. Yeah. Yeah,
when we heard this, Obama said, 'Thanks, but you've done enough.'"
"All the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 last night,
except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago."Oprah Winfrey
says she plans to attend Barack Obama's election night rally in Chicago. So win
or lose, Obama is going home with a new car."
"A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased 'cause they sent
out absentee ballots that say 'Barack Osama.' Today they apologized and printed
new ballots that say 'Barack Hussein Osama.'"
"Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing
Barack Obama's campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they've
registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding
name is Barack Obama."
"People looking into Barack Obama's campaign contributions say that Obama may
have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah
Winfrey."
"Speaking of Barack Obama, earlier this week in Colorado, Barack Obama gave a
speech in the middle of a rodeo ring. Yeah. Obama began his speech in the rodeo
by saying, 'Hello, I am what is known as a black guy.''"
"Barack Obama had a big night last night. Last night, Barack Obama attended a
fundraiser headlined by Barbra Streisand that raised $9 million. $9 million.
Yeah. It's big. This was historic. This was historic, this is the most money
raised in one night, and it's the first time a black man has ever attended a
Barbra Streisand concert."
"The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he
criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on a pig, but
it's still a pig. Political experts say that if Obama keeps insulting Palin, he
could lose the election and win a job at MSNBC."
"Barack Obama, apparently, is so popular in the African town where his father
was born that they've named a beer after him there. Isn't that cool? Yeah. The
Obama beer is called a 'Black and Tan and Asian and Caucasian.' A complicated
drink."
"While she was addressing the crowd, Sarah Palin spent a lot of time
criticizing Barack Obama's campaign speeches for not having enough specifics.
Obama was reportedly angry about the claim, but didn't say exactly why."
"People all over the world now are following our election. And according to a
new international poll that just came out, I think this came out a few hours
ago, this is true, people in Canada want Barack Obama to be the next U.S.
president. That's what they're saying. In Canada, yeah. That makes sense,
because Obama has the support of Canada's anti-war voters, as well as Canada's
black guy. He is very excited."
"Barack Obama was joined on stage by Bruce Springsteen in Ohio on Sunday. There
was one tense moment when somebody in the audience yelled out, 'Born in the
USA!' And Obama said, 'For the last time, yes, damnit, I was!"
"During a speech earlier today, Barack Obama accidentally mixed up his black
sitcom characters. He said that Wheezy from 'The Jeffersons' was a character on
'Sanford and Son.' That's true, yeah. And just like that, folks, the election is
wide open."
"Big night of television tonight for Barack Obama. Earlier tonight, Barack
Obama aired a half-hour infomercial to attract more voters. Yeah. Yeah, and
apparently, if you watched the entire infomercial, Barack threw in a free set
of Ginsu knives for you."
"Now, this is interesting, Barack Obama is now encouraging his supporters to
take election day off so they can help him get out the vote. Yeah. And a lot of
Americans said they were already planning to take that day off, because they
don't have a job."
"Tomorrow night Barack Obama is buying a half-hour commercial on CBS, NBC and
Fox. Not on ABC, though. I think it is because they've got `Dancing with the
Stars.' That's where viewers can watch an elderly person make a fool out of
themselves and then get voted out of the competition. Which is completely
different from the election, of course."
"The other day, a guy who played a game of basketball against Barack Obama said
that Obama spent the whole game trash talking. He also said Obama’s trash
talking is 'eloquent, high-minded, and inspirational.'"
"This is weird, but this is true, it was in the paper today: members of the
press corps are complaining that Barack Obama's airplane, the airplane he uses
to get around and that the press travels on, is cramped and has a terrible
odor. So finally, with just one month left until the election, we have found
the comedic take on Obama: he has a smelly plane. That's what we have to go on,
yeah. 'Old Smelly Plane Obama.'"
"People looking into Barack Obama's campaign contributions say that Obama may
have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah
Winfrey."
"Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing
Barack Obama's campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they've
registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding
name is Barack Obama."
"Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very
popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is a true story. It was
in the paper. Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father
was born, they've named a beer after him. That's true. Yeah. So next time
you're in Africa, sit back, relax, and enjoy a tall, cold Barackelob Light.
Good enough. Clearly not as popular a beer as it used to be."
"Speaking of Barack Obama, earlier this week in Colorado, Barack Obama gave a
speech in the middle of a rodeo ring. Yeah. Obama began his speech in the rodeo
by saying, 'Hello, I am what is known as a black guy.'"
"Barack Obama had a big night last night. Last night, Barack Obama attended a
fundraiser headlined by Barbra Streisand that raised $9 million. $9 million.
Yeah. It's big. This was historic. This was historic, this is the most money
raised in one night, and it's the first time a black man has ever attended a
Barbra Streisand concert."
"A lot of celebrities now getting involved in the campaign. It bothers me a
little bit, but it's just what happens. Well, Barack Obama's campaign just
announced that Barbra Streisand will headline an upcoming fundraiser for Obama.
Yeah. And after hearing this, John McCain said, 'and he says I'm out of touch
with the American people.'"
"This is one of those nice stories that's coming out of the elections. A lot of
anger, a lot of people taking sides. This is kind of nice. Barack Obama,
apparently, is so popular in the African town where his father was born that
they've named a beer after him there. Isn't that cool? Yeah. The Obama beer is
called a 'Black and Tan and Asian and Caucasian.' A complicated drink."
"Boy George, remember him? Boy George says he's written a song supporting
Barack Obama. Yeah, this will help Barack lock up the critical 1980s gay
British popstar vote. If you have them, the rest will follow."
"Yeah, politicians today are all lining up to attack Obama's comment about
putting lipstick on a pig. That's right. President Bush called the remarks
outrageous. Dick Cheney called them over the line. Joe Lieberman said they're
not kosher."
"The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he
criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on a pig, but
it's still a pig. Political experts say that if Obama keeps insulting Palin, he
could lose the election and win a job at MSNBC."
"People all over the world now are following our election. And according to a
new international poll that just came out, I think this came out a few hours
ago, this is true, people in Canada want Barack Obama to be the next U.S.
president. That's what they're saying. In Canada, yeah. That makes sense,
because Obama has the support of Canada's anti-war voters, as well as Canada's
black guy. He is very excited."
"There is some good news for John McCain. According to the latest polls, which
came out today, John McCain has started to open up a lead over Barack Obama.
This is true. Yeah. The USA Today poll has McCain ahead by ten points. The 'CBS
News' poll has the two tied. And the MSNBC poll says that Obama won the election
last week."
"While she was addressing the crowd, Sarah Palin spent a lot of time
criticizing Barack Obama’s campaign speeches for not having enough specifics. …
Obama was reportedly angry about the claim, but didn’t say exactly why."
"Barack Obama says he's planning to get his daughters a dog if he's elected
president. Most voters asked think he should get a poodle, proving that
Americans are not only ready for a black president, they’re also ready for a
gay first dog."
"This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and
reportedly it's going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce
Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama's not black enough."
"Barack Obama is campaigning very hard, going everywhere these days to get the
vote out. Barack Obama's staff recently announced that Barack is planning to
hold a campaign event at a NASCAR race. Yeah. The event will be called "Meet
your first black guy."
"Barack Obama was speaking to a Jewish group, and he told them that his name
Barack is the same as the Jewish word 'baruch,' which means one who's blessed.
That's what he said, yeah. Obama had a harder time explaining his middle name,
Hussein. Things got quiet there."
"In a speech yesterday, Barack Obama said he's distantly related to the famous
19th century gunslinger Wild Bill Hickok. After hearing this, John McCain said,
"Big deal, I went to high school with him."
"Barack Obama says that next month he's planning on spending a week on vacation
in Hawaii. Yeah, when he heard this, President Bush said, "Pace yourself, 'cause
once you become president, the vacations start coming fast and furious."
"A comic book publisher says he's trying to increase voter turnout in the
presidential election by publishing comic books about John McCain and Barack
Obama. Yeah, the publisher said that the election comic books are targeted at
first-time voters and long-time virgins."
"Barack Obama made a big announcement, Barack Obama announced that next month,
he wants to spend a week on vacation in Hawaii. Yeah. Yeah, after hearing about
it, President Bush said "I can't believe he's taking another trip to a foreign
country."
"Barack Obama just back from his overseas trip. That's what everyone's talking
about. Barack Obama's upset. Did you hear about this? He's angry, 'cause the
other day in Israel, someone revealed the contents of a private prayer that
Obama inserted into Jerusalem's Western Wall. It's supposed to be private, and
someone opened it up and revealed it, yeah. Experts say it's even worse than
the time the Washington Post printed President Bush's letter to Santa."
"Yesterday Barack Obama visited a doctor, and he received treatment for a sore
hip. Yeah, after hearing about it, John McCain said "If he wants it replaced, I
know just the guy."
